Prayer, Angels Flop In Rescue Attempt of Trump Election!

Tuesday, November 3, 2020, Election Day, United States of America.

Over seventy million American citizens turned out to vote for a second term, four more years, for Donald Trump, the most divisive and damaging president in American history.

To many of those voters, Trump represents something much greater than a mortal politician. He is light years more important than George W. Bush. Even their St. Reagan would bow to his aura. He is immortal, at least symbolically. He is their champion, indeed, their neo-messiah. He knows more about everything than anyone who ever lived, including Moses. He only speaks the truth. He is divinely ordained. He is sent by God.

On election eve they thrilled and trilled as the electoral map turned blood red. They expected nothing less. They easily disregarded “lamestream” media reports of a “blue wave;” they knew these polls were the devilish works of false prophets. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and He scoffs at polls. Besides, a fair number of Trump supporters, lets say 99 percent, are good and faithful Christians (or Jews), and fully understand the power of prayer. They’ve been praying for this outcome for a long time… in fact, they haven’t stopped praying for Donald Trump since he came down the golden elevator and reminded them that Mexicans are rapists and murderers. Some of his most devoted followers go all the way back with him to the days when he explained that Barack Hussein Obama was born in Kenya and had no American birth certificate. Ah, times flies when you’re having fun… and winning. It’s been a long time since American conservative religionists have enjoyed so much winning. Three Supreme Court justices, hundreds of zealots as lower court judges, a big beautiful wall to keep brown people out, filthy Muslims banned from entering the country, transgender people kicked out of bathrooms, the military and healthcare, public tax dollars flowing into religious schools, the stupid theories of evolution and the Big Bang not being shoved down their throats anymore. Ah, it’s been a great four years! They have great faith in another wondrous Trump victory, and hopefully another one in 2024, when Trump changes the law so presidents can serve for life, then bequeath the office to their sons or daughters (it’s going to be so hard, but exciting, to decide between Team Ivanka and Team Don Jr). Trump wins; that’s what he does. 2020 would be a repeat of 2016, when everyone doubted the Great Donald, and he (and Jesus) responded by conjuring lakes of libtard tears. Again this time around, there would be no blue wave, instead a red wave would wash the nation clean, making America Great Again… again.

As the voting stopped in state after state, the results flowed forth with a blast from Joshua’s horn. Trump won Florida, easily. Texas, easily. Ohio, easily. Three of the biggest chips on the table were now safely in Trump’s pocket. Take that you djin, Nate Silver! What a fool you are. The rest of the reliably red dominoes began obediently falling into place, while Trump built big leads in the critical states of the Democrats’ old “Blue Wall,” that he had obliterated four years earlier and seemed on track to repeat. As Tuesday turned to Wednesday, Trump held big leads in Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin. Down south he was comfortably ahead in Georgia and North Carolina. The brilliant billionaire and cagey, master deal-maker had the opponent, the despicable “Sleepy” Joe Biden, in a vice. The pathetic Democrat’s chances looked dour.

Wednesday, November 4, 2020, United States of America.

At 2:30AM Wednesday morning, Trump and his magnificent family, demigods all, appeared before rabid supporters… and claimed victory.

“Frankly, we did win this election,” he told them. And now.. “We want all voting to stop!” Absolutely. Certainly. His audience fully agreed. Stop the vote. It’s over. We won. Why continue? There could be no reason.

The voting did stop, upon Trump’s order… and because that’s the way elections always work. There was no voting allowed, none whatsoever, after each state’s polling places closed on election day. There was, however, a teensy glitch in Trump’s victory proclamation. For though he was very correct in demanding that voting stop, and it did, there were votes to count.

About 50 million of them.

It seems that the Great Trump and his magnificent family, and wondrous advisors such as Rudy Giuliani, had taken a brilliant calculated risk, a military-like defensive maneuver certain to stun the enemy. For months they had been encouraging their supporters to “not let the virus dominate your life,” but bravely walk through the Valley of Death, assured of your divine protection, to cast your vote in person at the proper polling place. It was a stroke of genius, as are all ideas from one so stable as Trump. However, for very, very, very suspicious reasons, the risk did not turn out as planned.

What happened? Democrats cheated. Who knew they would do that? Everyone, of course. That’s what Democrats do. They told their supporters they did not need to go stand in line for the accustomed 11 hours at their appointed polling location, and risk getting Covid. Just vote by mail. Make sure you follow all the tricksy, arcane, confusing and labyrinthine rules that some states (not enough) wisely require, fill out your ballot concisely and completely, voting for only Democrats, sign it properly and mail it back as early as possible, but no later than election day.

“Ha!” thought Trump and his assemblage of wizardly advisors, which included the immaculate, genius-in-waiting, Jared Kushner. “They are so stupid. They have fallen right into our trap. They don’t realize that we have crippled the Post Office and most of their votes will be too late to be counted!” And so Trump’s, and God’s, plan unfolded.

But then dark forces gathered. The Devil called his legions. When the vote counting started up Wednesday morning, Trump’s mighty advantage began to shrink little by little, then a lot by a lot. What was happening? Two things. First, the Post Office went postal, tens of thousands of blue-uniformed fiends thwarting God’s divine sabotage by superhumanly rushing to deliver truckloads of ballots on time to official vote counters. This was not supposed to happen. Damn those public workers, and the federal judges who back in July disallowed the complete and thorough destruction of the socialist Post Office! They will all rot in hell. Second, the vote counters turned out also to be of Satan’s spawn, actually counting those votes, not trashing or otherwise invalidating them because they were likely from Democrats, as specifically requested in the prayers of millions upon millions of America’s Chosen People. And then, the most diabolical of crimes: the counters kept counting votes that continued to flood in… a day after the election… two days after the election… even three days after the election! All, of course, were postmarked on or before election day, as has been legally allowed for decades… but how easy is that to fake? Not so easy… but easy enough for Satan!

The counters kept counting even as Trump the King commanded they stop. He clearly and strongly expressed his executive order to “Stop Counting!” Except in Arizona and Nevada… and now in Pennsylvania… oh wait, and now in Georgia… where Trump needed votes to catch up and surpass the American Bolshevik (isn’t it telling that both Biden and Stalin share the same name, Joe?). In those states, he commanded the counters to “Keep Counting!”

How could this happen? Trump contacted his divine spiritual advisor, Paula White. “Paula, tell me, tell us, what is happening? You all prayed. You said 200 million Americans prayed for me. You said maybe 10 billion people worldwide prayed for me. I even prayed, for the first time. I don’t know if I did it right. I don’t think I squatted properly. Is that why God has forsaken us?”

The semi-divine Jesus-channeler, Reverend Paula, comforted and reassured the president. “Donald, Your Majesty, no, you are blameless. You squatted just as I showed you. We simply did not expect the dark forces to be this powerful. And… I may have slightly miscalculated how many people prayed before the election. But don’t worry. We have plenty of time to send the Holy Whirlwind to blow away this Democratic thievery. We must call on every single Republican to pray and pray loud and hard — all simultaneously — and this time those of us with the power will speak in tongues, loud and hard — all simultaneously. And we won’t stop there, Donald. Oh, no. The Democrats have really asked for it. Against this vile, evil host, we will also call in our own reinforcements!”

“Reinforcements?” Trump asked. “Is Jesus coming to save us?”

“Not Jesus,” Rev. Paula answered. “He’s not due until the End Times. But what we can summon are… angels! Tens of thousands of angels. Donald, I promise you, we will beseech these angels to save you, to save America, to save the world!”

“Do they come out of the sky, from heaven?” Trump the Great queried.

“No, all we can get on such short notice are from Africa and South America,” Rev. Paul explained.

“You mean shithole angels? Are they black and brown angels? I didn’t know angels came in any other skin color but white. Angels are supposed to be pure, and superior, right, so they should be white. Like your name. That’s why I picked you to be my spiritual advisor; White, very nice, very pure. Aren’t any white angels from America available, preferably pretty females, you know, at least a seven?”

“Umm… America lost its better angels… for some unknown reason in 2016,” the good reverend explained. “Some say the atheist Obama, furious at Hillary’s loss, deported them all. Others say it was due to something else. It did correspond precisely with your inauguration, but that’s merely wild coincidence. We don’t know. No worries though, Donald, these angels will do just fine. They are well versed in banana republic clandestine, tactical and electoral disruptions.”

So throughout that Wednesday, right up until they went to bed, 70-something million Republican voters prayed (probably many more as non-eligible family members joined them), simultaneously and non-stop for Donald J. Trump to win the election. Reverend Paula and many other spiritualists of special spiritual gifts spoke in unrecognizable tongues. They spoke and spoke and spoke… and no one understood anything that they said, but it was very impressive… and kind of spooky. And, sure enough, easily hopping right over his glorious Border Wall That Mexico Will Pay For came forth the army of black and brown angels from Africa and South America intent on enforcing God’s will. Unseen, they swarmed across the length and breadth of America throughout the dark night, casting their heavenly charms and spells and common tin dictator remedies.

Thursday, November 5, 2020, United States of America.

The next morning, Trump and his supporters awoke to find him… further behind!

Fox News, of all the traitors, had called Arizona for Biden. The Democrat communist needed only one state to put him over the 270 electoral vote threshold for victory. Trump was furious and panicky. He sat on his golden throne and tweeted many tweets, perhaps among the last that will ever be taken semi-seriously.

“I WON THE ELECTION”

“BAD THINGS HAPPENED”

“ILLEGAL VOTES”

“WE DEMAND TRANSPARENCY”

“VOTES COUNTED THAT ARRIVED AFTER ELECTION”

At 6:48PM, Thursday evening, His Magnificence, President Trump, held a press conference in the White House.

“I’d like to provide the American people with an update on our efforts to protect the integrity of our very important 2020 election. If you count the legal votes, I easily win. If you count the illegal votes, they can try to steal the election from us. If you count the votes that came in late — we’re looking at them very strongly. But a lot of votes came in late…

“… massive victories in Florida, Iowa, Indiana, Ohio, to name just a few. We won these despite historic election interference from big media, big money and big tech. There was no blue wave; that was false. That was done for suppression reasons. But instead, there was a big red wave…

“… media polling was election interference, in the truest sense… phony polls, fake polls, designed to keep our voters at home, create the illusion of momentum for Mr. Biden…

“… we were winning in all the key locations by a lot… then our number started miraculously getting whittled away in secret… It’s a corrupt system. I won Pennsylvania by a lot, and that gets whittled down… likewise in Georgia, I won by a lot…”

He droned on for awhile in his usual stream of incomplete sentences. Geniuses like Trump don’t need sentences to make their thoughts crystal clear. He didn’t take any questions. Hasn’t been seen since. Except on the golf course… every day.

Friday, November 6, 2020, United States of America.

The vote counting continued. The Stalinist Democrat took the lead in Pennsylvania and Georgia, and increased his lead in Nevada. Trump held his lead in North Carolina and narrowed Biden’s margin in Arizona. All of the news networks began speaking of an imminent Biden victory, even the Fox News team. Meanwhile, the Fox pretty people assured their astute audience that their darling would snatch victory from defeat, and wind up with the landslide he deserved. But this rhetoric did not match the images on the screen. Reverend Paula fielded numerous calls from an increasingly distraught Trump, but would only speak to him in tongues.

Finally, he demanded she tell him why the prayers and angels hadn’t worked, or else he would command William Barr to arrest her. Exasperated and exhausted herself, she blurted, “Because you never gave prayers or angels or even your people, your voters, credit, you took it all for yourself!”

That wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Donald Trump never wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear, and those around him know know better than to tell him. At that, he slammed the phone down and never spoke to her again. He refers to her as “Putrid Paula” now.

Slow death, by a thousand cuts, continued into late Friday night. His chase in Arizona held some promise. Perhaps he could shame Fox News for calling the state for Biden two days ago. But the all-important Pennsylvania scenario was looking more grim by the half hour.

Saturday, November 6, 2020, United States of America.

11:24AM CNN calls Pennsylvania for Biden, putting him at 273 electoral votes, and declaring him president-elect. Still losing in Arizona, Nevada and Georgia, Trump’s pathway to victory had snapped closed. A blue wave never materialized, but the Blue Wall regenerated.

11:40AM Fox News confirms to its viewers that Biden has won the presidency. Even the Fox news team was unimpressed with Trump’s now discredited claim to victory and his insistence of a stolen election.

By noon, cities across the United States were awash in celebration, as were people around the world.

Trump went golfing, again.

6:10PM President-elect Joe Biden tweets “A nation united. A nation strengthened. A nation healed. The United States of America.”

He and his female, black vice-president-elect, Kamala Harris, appeared on stage in Wilmington, Delaware Saturday evening, delivering hopeful, inclusive messages for America, and the world.

Sunday, November 7, 2020, United States of America.

Donald Trump, the man who made America Great Again, is depressed and angry. He got the second most votes of anyone in American history, and still badly lost. He wants to fire somebody, anybody, everybody. He wants to fire the Defense Secretary, CIA director, FBI director, the entire postal service, every news person on Fox News. Advisors tell him to wait a few days. He feels betrayed. He knows it was all rigged against him, from the start. He’ll sue, sue, sue, like he always does. Everyone around him is an idiot. How come Jared didn’t see this coming? Rudy looks worse and worse, sillier and sillier on TV. Just get him off; he’s a fool. Who is going to fix this? How come Don Jr. didn’t rile up the militias to keep people from voting? “It’s all-out war,” Don Jr. tweeted. No one cared. Trump asks about his legal team. What dirt are they finding on the Democrats? How many millions of votes are illegal? How many recounts have they secured? One. Georgia. Which, by law, has to recount razor-thin election results. Why aren’t they recounting already? Because they haven’t finished counting in the first place. Am I winning yet? No, sir. Who the hell is leading this legal team? A bunch of hacks, sir. Do you want to consider a concession speech, sir?

“Hell no!” the president of our dreams, replies.

Trump stalks the dark halls of the White House, ranting and raving. No one wants to be around him. Melania warns him not to come near her. He is still hung up on Reverend Paula, and her prayers and angels. He seeks out and confides to Mike Pence, who listens patiently.

“You know, Mike, I like you Christians. I trusted you. But you let me down. These prayers; they don’t work. Millions and millions and millions of prayers. There was nothing in it for me. Look at the Democrats. They are all atheists. They don’t go to church. They don’t pray. They are saying I’m a loser, Mike. I’m not a loser. The losers are those angels! They have no power. No power. I should have known something was wrong. I trusted that Putrid Paula. Black, brown angels! From shithole places. Africa. South America. Mexico. Atlanta. Detroit. Philadelphia. Milwaukee. Las Vegas. Phoenix! Can you believe it, Phoenix? Golf courses everywhere. I never would have figured on that one. But those angels, they didn’t do shit.”

Mike Pence sighs, looking deeply into the empty and selfish soul of the president he has so long groveled and lied and covered for… and detests. “I’m not so sure about that, sir.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

No Hate.
No Violence.
All Life is Sacred.
The Universe is Magnificent & Beautiful.
Love is the Way.

Copyright 2020, Rusty Reid